Categorizing Infuriants

I worked 13 hours yesterday, 12 hours today. I get back to the office to messages from a client accusing me of not taking her calls...despite always calling back within 20 minutes of hearing her messages. This is annoying type of defendant. But not the only type of annoying defendant. Here are a few categories of defendants that infuriate me. If you ever find yourself speaking with a public defender, try not to be any of these people.

The Dependent - "Can you just talk to my mom?" "Can my dad come in here too?" "Let me just see what my boyfriend thinks..." The dependent cannot decide for herself. She (usually) is quiet to the point that you wonder if she's brain damaged. She casts plaintive looks at her loved one to solve all of her problems. Almost all of the time they give the wrong advice. This type of person is why I don't talk to anyone except my client. Your mom isn't looking at 4 years, in fact she's the one that called the cops on you - why the hell are you letting her make all your decisions, especially considering that you're 35!!!!

The Fence Sitter - This guy doesn't want to go to trial. But he doesn't want to plea either. In fact there is no course of action that he wants to take. He just wants to stare at the case and think eventually it will go away. He's terrified of having his day in court, but doesn't want to admit fault either. Please try not to be this guy. Make a decision!!!

The Ghost- This guy meets with you once, says he demands a trial, then vanishes. This sort of guy is the reason I tell my clients that if they're planning on running that they should tell me now so I don't set their case for trial and they aren't found guilty in absentia because the Ghost never gives me any information, gives me numbers that don't work, has no mailing address and doesn't even give me their side of the story. Also beware of the Spectre who does all of the above but then shows up unexpectedly on his trial day and expects an F. Lee Bailey performance out of you despite not having contacted you once in the meantime.

The Guy Who Thinks You're His High School Counselor - Oh man this guy has problems. Lots of them. None of them have anything to do with his case, but he's going to tell you all about them. In detail. And when you try to steer him back on track he won't miss a beat he'll just nod and say "Yeah, cause..." and then go back off on something else. Accused of driving under the influence? Oh no he wants to talk about how his neighbors don't treat his dog right. Cops found meth in his house? Yeah cause my brother never cleans up around the house and do you know if I can sue my boss for disrespecting me and blah blah blah.

The Martyr - By no means does this person want to go to trial. By no means do they want the victims of their acts to testify in court. But they will find a way to make their guilty plea your fault. "You made it sound like I had no other choice!" "I thought you wanted me to plea!" "Well I didn't think you wanted to go to trial." It's not in the least bit true and you know it. You chose to plea guilty, nobody else. Don't try to blame it on the only guy in the world who wants you to take your case to trial.

The Proofreader- This guy found a comma out of place in the police report and thinks it proves him innocent. My favorite example is a client I had who was sent court paperwork for an omnibus hearing. The court called a day a Wednesday when it was really a Friday. For some reason this guy wanted me to bring it up at trial. I was dumbfounded as to why a mistake that the court made regarding a date would matter. He couldn't answer that...but still insisted I bring it up. I didn't. These guys think when you say "Now in your report you say that Sandra spoke to you, but it was really Sandy wasn't it!!!" will matter more than the "oh and she said that the defendant hit her in the face repeatedly" part.

The Virgin- "Can't we just say it's my first time?" "Why are they making such a big deal out of this?" "I don't know what's going on!" The virgin is befuddled and confused throughout the experience. They don't know what any of it is about and they can't make any decisions to help themselves. They don't know if there were any witnesses and they won't try to find out. They don't know what happened and they won't try to remember. They think that admitting guilt (but it was the first time I ever did it!) is a good defense. Additionally most of these people turn out to have multiple priors. God these people annoy me.

Someday when I'm not so annoyed at my office I'll write a similar post for types of clients that I like.